INTRODUCTION

The original phrase, "Times they are a changing", referred to the subtle changes in society, usually initiated by the younger generation, and was usually reserved for use by the elderly. Now, at age 34, I find myself looking at the youth of America and saying the same thing. One distinct area of concern for me is the continuing problem of teen & pre-teen sexual activity. My major concern is adult sexuality has made its way into our middle schools and in some cases our elementary schools. The bottom line is that children are experimenting with sex at younger and younger ages. But why? And how can this problem be solved? This special report will try to answer these questions and will offer advice and suggestions for parents and their children. It is my position that parents are either a contributing cause or a major deterrent to most any childhood problem. This special report will help parents determine which role they have played or are playing in the sexual decision making of their children.

Not so long ago, it was rare to hear of a teen pregnancy. Today, it is not uncommon to hear of middle school and sometimes even elementary school age children becoming pregnant, which, of course, means our children are becoming sexually active at a much younger age. I believe there are very distinct reasons why this trend is becoming more prevalent. As in all of my special reports, I rely on hours of research and study to draw my conclusions, but I also rely on my own opinions and ideas. That being said, it is my opinion that there are two main components contributing to this particular problem. The first is the involvement or more appropriately put, lack of involvement, of parents with their children. The second is the continuing rise of the social expectations of children.

I will address the aspect of parenting first. I am a firm believer that parents are the first line of defense and offense, when it comes to their children. If all the years researching child related problems have taught us anything, it should have taught us that parents can, and should, be a child’s greatest influence. A good or bad influence is ultimately the choice of the parent.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

In writing this special report, I reviewed some of my other special reports. No matter what the topic, they all seemed to share one key element, communication. Open communication with your child or children is essential to dealing with this, and most any, childhood problem. Being able to effectively discuss sex with our children starts by having open lines of communication. Consider this, if you are unable to talk to your child about everyday things, then why would you be able to talk to them about something as important as sex? Establishing and maintaining open lines of communication with your children at an early age will help you to appropriately influence their decision making in later years.

A PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY

As parents, most of us go out of our way to make sure our children know not to ingest chemicals under the kitchen sink, or that they understand the dangers of playing in the street or talking to a stranger. Yet many parents neglect to talk to their children about sex until it is too late. Waiting until your children are old enough to become sexually active is waiting too late. Teaching children about sex is a parental responsibility and should be started at an early age. Children need to be taught that sex is an adult decision. It has adult consequences. It can lead to confusing emotions, sexually transmitted disease, unwanted birth or even death. Knowing the consequences of sex, how can parents not talk to their children about sex? Remember this, if you are not talking to you child about sex, someone else is!

IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?

There is an old saying, "A little knowledge can be dangerous". When it comes to young people and sex, this could not be more true. Many children are armed with just enough information to understand the sex act itself and this is many times supplied by second hand, incorrect information from friends. Children then make misinformed decisions that can have life altering consequences. In short, our children are making adult decisions without the luxury of adult experience or reasoning. They are also making decisions without the needed guidance of their parents.

One very important thing to consider about educating your child about sex is the example you show them on a daily basis. Children absorb both good and bad from their surroundings. Although self-evaluation is difficult, parents need to look at the things they say or do that may be a negative influence on their children. Our own attitudes and opinions about sex greatly influence our children. In order to teach your children about sex, you should be sure you have a clear and healthy understanding of your own sexuality. You should also be prepared to discuss different types of sexuality that your child may become exposed to, which might actually require some research on your part.

Having the "Sex Talk" with your children is an important part of a child’s development and an opportunity to increase the trust between the parent and child. Being open and honest about a seemingly difficult topic is a great way to build trust. It also lets your children know they can come to you about sensitive subjects.

The first tip is to start talking with your children at an early age. I started talking to my children when I thought they were old enough to understand, which was about age 5 or 6. I wanted to be sure my children were being taught correctly. I wanted to establish a sense of openness and understanding regarding sex. I wanted them to be comfortable discussing the topic, as well as comfortable coming to me with questions. I also wanted to be sure there were no negative stigmas associated with sex. It is my opinion that far too many parents associate shame and disgust with sex, which can actually have a reverse effect on the child.

When I first discussed sex with my children, I sought out help. I referred to my children’s science encyclopedia, which is the same set I had when I was a child. I turned to human reproduction and used this information. Do not be afraid to seek outside materials when you are going to talk about sex. When talking to your own children, do not to candy coat sex. Be sure to refer to the parts of the body by their appropriate names. Call a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina, there is nothing wrong or shameful about using correct terminology.

The way I gave the first lesson was to first address the parts of the body, the differences between sexual organs of men and women and then the process of the actual sex act. I, of course, maintained an appropriate level of description and vocabulary during the lesson. I then addressed the aspect of love and sex. I did my best to convey the fact that sex can be more than just a physical act and that, when with a person you truly love, it can be almost spiritual. This particular lesson became better understood as my children aged, but I wanted to be sure to include it none the less.

The last thing I discussed, and the aspect I wanted them to remember most, is that sex is something for adults and that children should not be engaging in or engaged in sex. I really wanted to drive this point home because of the very real possibility of one or all of my children someday becoming the victims of molestation. As a parent, this has always been a major area of concern, so I wanted to arm my children with as much ammunition as possible. I wanted to be sure that they clearly understood that if any adult, and I put an strong emphasis on ANY ADULT, ever tried to be sexual with a child or ever did anything that made the child feel uncomfortable or uneasy, that it was wrong. I also stressed that the child would need to tell an adult they could trust what had happened. One of the Dream Dragon children’s stories that I have written is called When Touching Is Not A Game. This story may serve as a valuable tool for parents to start to discuss this aspect of sex with their children.

I believe that a lack of strong, active parenting is a major contributing factor in teen and pre-teen sex. But I do not believe that it is the only contributing factor. I believe that society may also be a bit to blame for some of the current trends.

It would be very easy for me to search for an easy scapegoat, like the media and point fingers, but I think the real problem is much bigger and is on a much broader scale. Granted, the media does offer many things that can influence a child, but strong parenting can offer an even greater influence. So can monitoring what your child is exposed to, but that goes right back to the topic of parenting.

What I am talking about is a disturbing trend that has taken place just within the last 20 or 30 years. A trend that almost forces a child to fast track their childhood and become an adult well before their time. I really think society, as a whole, has contributed to this trend. With increased pressures to succeed and beat out the next guy, our children are not being allowed to be children. They are encouraged to be smarter, to act older, to start businesses, to skip high school, to be an adult at 12 years old.

You see it wherever you turn. From the young children on Jeopardy, who are incredibly intelligent, to the baby shown operating a computer. What are our children giving up in order to attain these lofty heights? In my opinion, they are giving up thier childhood, which is something I think most of us would never have wanted to give up for ourselves.

So, what’s the solution? If I knew the answer to that, well I would probably be on a lot more talk shows! The only thing I can say is that society needs to realize our children are being pushed in a difficult direction. They are being guided to a path of higher development, but in so doing, they are losing an aspect of natural development. My advice would be let kids be kids for as long as they can. Looking back, I know I wish I could have been a kid for a bit longer, like until I was about 40!

FROM MY RESEARCH: SOME HELPFUL IDEAS FOR PARENTS

In researching for this special report, I came across a very informative web site of an organization whose mission it is to help reduce the problem of teen pregnancy. Many of the findings they discuss run parallel with my own opinions and parenting techniques. Although I have never included direct information from outside sources in my special reports, I felt it was important to share the information they make available. The organization is called The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Their web site address is: www.teenpregnancy.org. It is very informative and has some great ideas for parents and children.

Ten Tips For Parents To Help Their Children Avoid Teen Pregnancy

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed recent research about parental influences on children's sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents themselves. From these sources, it is clear that there is much parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of kids becoming pregnant before they've grown up.

Presented here as "ten tips," many of these lessons will seem familiar because they articulate what parents already know from experience - like the importance of maintaining strong, close relationships with children and teens, setting clear expectations for them, and communicating honestly and often with them about important matters. Research supports these common sense lessons: not only are they good ideas generally, but they can also help teens delay becoming sexually active, as well as encourage those who are having sex to use contraception carefully.

Finally, although these tips are for parents, they can be used by adults more generally in their relationships with teenagers. Parents-especially those who are single or working long hours-often turn to other adults for help in raising their children and teens. If all these caring adults are on the same "wavelength" about the issues covered here, young people are given more consistent messages.

So, What to Do?

1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.

Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions:

• What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active-perhaps even becoming parents?
• Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?
• Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
• What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
• What do you think about teenagers using contraception?

1. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific.

Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child's life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this - you know, "the talk." The truth is that parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers, incidentally. All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don't appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won't worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you'll always be able to talk again.

Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed information you might need, but don't let your lack of technical information make you shy. Kids need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex, and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that kids find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the "downside" of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers' minds.

Here are the kinds of questions kids say they want to discuss:

• How do I know if I'm in love? Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
• How will I know when I'm ready to have sex? Should I wait until marriage?
• Will having sex make me popular? Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
• How do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing him or hurting his feelings?
• How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
• How does contraception work? Are some methods better than others? Are they safe?
• Can you get pregnant the first time?
•  

In addition to being an "askable parent," be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:

• I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today's risks.
• Whenever you do have sex, always use protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases until you are ready to have a child.
• Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
• Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say "no"? Will you use contraception? How will you negotiate all this?
• It's okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it's not okay to get pregnant/get somebody pregnant as a teenager.
• One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to unprotected sex.
• (For boys) Having a baby doesn't make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
• (For girls) You don't have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.

By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember, too, that your own behavior should match your words. The "do as I say, not as I do" approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.

1. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.

   Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

2. Know your children's friends and their families.

   Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different-but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends into your home and talk to them openly.

3. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating.

   Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood-don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

4. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is.

   Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl-sometimes they even have money and a car to boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

5. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.

   The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant-or causing pregnancy-can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

6. Let your kids know that you value education highly.

   Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

7. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to.

   The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate"-think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

8. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age.

Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:

• Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
• Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
• Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
• Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
• Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
• Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
• Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.

Talking Back: Ten Things Teens Want Parents To Know About Teen Pregnancy

Teens hear advice on all kinds of issues from their parents, teachers, and other adults in their lives. But they don't often get asked to offer it. Over the past year, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has been asking teens from all over the country a fairly simple question: If you could give your parents and other important adults advice about how to help you and your friends avoid pregnancy, what would it be? The following ten tips represent the major themes we heard from teens.

You may be surprised to learn that young people do want to hear from parents and other adults about sex, love, and relationships. They say they appreciate - even crave - advice, direction, and support from adults who care about them. But sometimes, they suggest, adults need to change how they offer their guidance. Simply put, they want real communication, not lectures and not threats.

The National Campaign would like to acknowledge the contributions of the many young people who have offered their suggestions for this publication, including the National Campaign's Youth Leadership Team, the readers of Teen People, and the teens who participated in our focus groups, answered our polling questions, visited our website, or told us their stories in communities we've visited around the country. We would also like to thank our informal group of adult advisors who reviewed drafts of the brochure.

We hope that Talking Back: Ten Things Teens Want Parents to Know About Teen Pregnancy offers parents and other adults comfort that their efforts to help teens do make a difference - as well as gives the kind of practical advice that will make the job a little easier.

1. Show us why teen pregnancy is such a bad idea. For instance, let us hear directly from teen mothers and fathers about how hard it has been for them. Even though most of us don't want to get pregnant, sometimes we need real-life examples to help motivate us.
2. Talk to us honestly about love, sex, and relationships. Just because we're young doesn't mean that we can't fall in love or be deeply interested in sex. These feelings are very real and powerful to us. Help us to handle the feelings in a safe way - without getting hurt or hurting others.
3. Telling us not to have sex is not enough. Explain why you feel that way, and ask us what we think. Tell us how you felt as a teen. Listen to us and take our opinions seriously. And no lectures, please.
4. Whether we're having sex or not, we need to be prepared. We need to know how to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
5. If we ask you about sex or birth control, don't assume we are already having sex. We may just be curious, or we may just want to talk with someone we trust. And don't think giving us information about sex and birth control will encourage us to have sex.
6. Pay attention to us before we get into trouble. Programs for teen moms and teen fathers are great, but we all need encouragement, attention, and support. Reward us for doing the right thing - even when it seems like no big thing. Don't shower us with attention only when there is a baby involved.
7. Sometimes, all it takes not to have sex is not to have the opportunity. If you can't be home with us after school, make sure we have something to do that we really like, where there are other kids and some adults who are comfortable with kids our age. Often we have sex because there's not much else to do. Don't leave us alone so much.
8. We really care what you think, even if we don't always act like it. When we don't end up doing exactly what you tell us to, don't think that you've failed to reach us.
9. Show us what good, responsible relationships look like. We're as influenced by what you do as by what you say. If you demonstrate sharing, communication, and responsibility in your own relationships, we will be more likely to follow your example.
10. We hate "The Talk" as much as you do. Instead, start talking with us about sex and responsibility when we're young, and keep the conversation going as we grow older.

  The Next Challenge: Guarding Against Complacency

The 1990s have brought good news: both teen pregnancy and teen birth rates have declined nationwide, in all states, and among all age and racial/ethnic groups - led by both less sexual activity and better contraceptive use. As a nation, we deserve to be proud of these encouraging trends. But even limited success can have a downside if it means that the public and the media begin to believe that the teen pregnancy problem has been solved.

The most important challenge we face now is to keep from becoming complacent about teen pregnancy and childbearing - and here's why:

• Teen pregnancy rates in the U.S. remain much too high. Despite the recently declining rates, 4 in 10 teenage girls get pregnant at least once before they reach age 20, resulting in more than 900,000 teen pregnancies a year.^{1, 2}

• The U.S. still leads the industrialized world in teen pregnancy and birth rates - by a wide margin. In fact, the U.S. rates are double, triple, even ten times those of other western countries, which puts us at a terrible competitive disadvantage in the global economy.¹

• Teen pregnancy costs society billions of dollars a year. There are nearly half a million children born to teen mothers each year. Most of these mothers are unmarried, and many will end up poor and on welfare. Each year the federal government alone spends about $40 billion to help families that began with a teenage birth.³

• Teen pregnancy hurts the business community's "bottom line." Too many children start school unprepared to learn, and teachers are overwhelmed trying to deal with problems that start in the home. Forty-five percent of first births in the United States are to women who are either unmarried, teenagers, or lacking a high school degree, which means that too many children - tomorrow's workers - are born into families that are not prepared to help them succeed.¹ In addition, teen mothers often do not finish high school themselves. It's not easy for a teen to learn work skills and be a dependable employee while caring for children.

• Preventing teen pregnancy is a cost-effective way to reduce child poverty. Children should be born to adults who are ready and able to nurture them. Research is clear that children of teen parents have more health problems, do more poorly in school, and are more likely to end up in prison or on welfare than children born to older parents. By preventing children from having children, we can address many vexing social. problems, including the persistent cycle of poverty that comes from generations of teen childbearing.

• A new crop of kids becomes teenagers each year. This means that prevention efforts must be constantly renewed and reinvented. And between 1995 and 2010, the number of girls aged 15-19 is projected to increase by 2.2 million.¹

• Teen pregnancy is still a big problem for many communities. Although rates have come down overall, certain sub-populations, defined by geography, age, and racial or ethnic group, still have very high rates. For example, in some states, the teen pregnancy problem has gotten worse in certain urban or rural communities.⁴ The Hispanic/Latino community, the fastest growing ethnic group in the nation, now has the highest teen birth rate.⁵

• Underlying trends behind the declines may change. The U.S. has enjoyed a healthy and growing economy in the 1990s, and opportunities for jobs may have motivated teens to avoid pregnancy. What happens when the nation experiences an economic downturn? And while new treatments for HIV/AIDS are certainly great news, less fear among teens about potentially deadly consequences of sex may lead them to reverse the recent trends of less sexual activity and better contraceptive use.

• Declining teen pregnancy rates means we can make a difference. Rather than making us complacent, the recent good news should encourage us to do more to continue the current trends. The hard truth is that yesterday's good news about declining teen pregnancy and birth rates won't mean much to the boys and girls who turn 13 next year. For them, we must redouble our efforts to make sure that they benefit from the successes that their older brothers and sisters have begun to see.

About the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

The mission of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy is to improve the life prospects of this generation and the next by influencing cultural values and building a more effective grassroots movement. The Campaign's goal is to reduce the teen pregnancy rate by one-third between 1996 and 2005. For more information, visit the Campaign's homepage: www.teenpregnancy.org.

Sources

1. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (1997). Whatever Happened to Childhood? The Problem of Teen Pregnancy in the United States. Washington, DC: Author.
2. Ventura, S., Mathews, T., & Curtin, S. (1999). Declines in teenage birth rates, 1991-1998: Update of national and state trends. National Vital Statistics Report, 47(26), 1-10.
3. Flinn, S.K., & Hauser, D. (1998). Teenage Pregnancy: The Case for Prevention. An Analysis of Recent Trends and Federal Expenditures Associated with Teenage Pregnancy. Washington, DC: Advocates for Youth.
4. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (1999). State by State Information. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy website (www.teenpregnancy.org/america/states/default.asp).
5. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (1999). Fact Sheet: Teen Pregnancy and Childbearing Among Latinos in the United States. Washington, DC: Author.

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